


Connorlian

by RaberandBee



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-06-21 07:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15552306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaberandBee/pseuds/RaberandBee
Summary: Connor Murphy is scary to near everyone in the school. So imagine how freaked the poor anxiety ridden tree boy feels when this loud angry high guy that has the confidence to shout his existence to world pushes him down.Well, different than you'd expect.It's not so much like his crush he has on the younger Murphy sibling, but an idol worship almost.Then what happens when Evan notices Connor more. And his... Unique phrasings. His ticks and fidgets. His habits and skills. His faults and all.He starts writing them in a journal.A journal labeled Connorian.Study the confident, right?





	1. You Don't Drown If You Breathe Water

This story starts like every verse of them does. The famous push scene. 

This time, Evan couldn't write a letter. He tried. Really, he did. 

But he was stuck in his head of how loud Connor was. How  _noticed_ he was. He put light on Evan with a push but he had the stage. He had the light. And he didn't crash into himself. He didn't drop in a shaky silence seconds from dry heaving. 

He held himself in angry defense. Like he could be proud. 

Not that he seems proud of himself. But he could. He could hold himself up and not question his own actions. He stood unapologetically when he sneered down at me. 

Zoe had bent to my level, but he didn't quake in the pressure of the eyes following his every moment. 

She looked around to see who noticed her. She left quickly in fear of being seen with the nobody with a broken arm.

I wanted to write. 

Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day because your crush helped you today. Because you didn't start crying when people were watching you.

But I couldn't. My mind was on Connor. 

 

"So, what happened to your arm?" a male voice startled me out of my own head. 

"Oh, um. I fell out of a tree, actually." I glace to my arm and hold it a bit tighter to my chest. 

"You fell out of a tree," Connor huffs a laugh of disbelief, "That is just the saddest fucking thing. Oh my God." 

I nervously chuckle like I did in the halls earlier. "I know."

It was quite for an awkward minute. 

"No one's signed your cast." The brunet with the baggy black clothes nods to my arm. 

"No, I know." I try to keep the disappointment out of my voice. 

"I'll sign it." Appearently I didn't try hard enough. Now he is going to pity me and I will be even more of a joke to him. 

"Oh, umm.. You don't have to."

"Do you have a Sharpie?" 

I dig in my pocket and nervously hand it to him. Will he draw a penis? Maybe write Loser across it. At least then I could relate it to 'It'. That'd be cool. But people would think I am an even bigger loser-

Connor tugs my arm a bit hard. I yelp and make eye contact with him. My face flushes but he ignores it and write in big bold letters, covering the lonely space proving my lack of a social life. 

**CONNOR**

Now I don't know what to think. Will he be pushed around more because his name is on my cast? 

Or will I?

"Oh, great. Thanks."

"Now we can both pretend we have friends." 

"Good point," I stare at my cast in a bit of disbelief. I don't even say anything as he pockets my Sharpie. Not like I'll need it again anyway. 

It's awkward for a few moments, me staring at the floor, him looking around. He tucks his hair behind his ear and without my permission, I speak. 

"I like those. Gages I mean. Plugs? Tunnels? Stretchers? I don't know what you call them. Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I just like them and didn't know what else to say. Uh- sorry. Umm, your ear... Things. They're nice is what I meant.. To... Say."  

Connor's eyebrows raise in confused amusment. 

"Uh, thanks. I'm on eights right now. Don't think I'll go past zeros."

"Oh, umm. Is that big?" 

"Eh," he makes a ring with his fingers as a general idea. "'Bout there. Mainly gotten to piss off my dad but I like 'em."

"Oh? Uh, I don't have a dad. I mean, I do. Sort of. I mean, sorry."

"Nah, it's cool. Got anything you want done? Gotta do it while your young. While you still have the excuse."

"Like a t-tattoo? Yeah, umm. No, not yeah. I mean no. Actually I don't know. Maybe. But it might affect my future. I don't do well with needles and I don't know what I want to be or what are permitted. I guess, theres that. So, yeah."

"You know you babble when you're nervous, right?"

"I'm always nervous. I don't always speak. Sorry, that was rude."

"Nah, it's true. Cool, anyway. I'm ditching. I need a smoke."

"Oh, um- yeah! Ah, uh! Th-thank you! For umm... Signing my cast. And umm, talking to me." I focus on the ground waiting for him to leave so I can collapse in myself. 

"Hey, got a phone?" 

I look up in surprise. 

"Uh, yeah! Here!" I struggle to pull it out but hand it to Murphy. 

"Hmm, you should really have a passlock. Wow, you have literally six contacts. Thats sadder than the tree thing." 

"Oh! Yeah. I don't have many... Any friends."

"Hmm, well now you have my number. Text me sometime. See ya, Hansen!" 

He waves over his shoulder as he walks out. 

How does he do that? He just asked but... Commanded? 

He was confident. He was calm and... He didn't rush me. 

While I am drowning, trying to breathe. To suck in air. 

He swims circles around me, breathing like he was born with gills. 

I just don't understand. 

 

\---

 

Mom wasn't home as per usual. 

Twenty dollars was still on the counter from yesterday. She likes to leave me money for food when she won't be home in time for dinner, but she tends to leave a twenty. I don't like using it because twenty dollars near six days a week, every week, is already $480 per month. Mom already works almost everyday, double shifts pushed on her because we need the money. She has night classes three days a week. I have therapy once a week and medications to buy. Some to counter my anxiety and depression and others to counter their side affects. Not to mention groceries for cleaning, cooking, and hygiene... And monthly rent plus utilities.... And Mom won't let me get a job in fear it'll stress me and she wants me to focus on school so I can ear a scholarship. I can't handle those prices over my head. 

And I can't ever answer the door to pay or get my food. I can't go to the store to buy food without crying and panicking only to come home empty handed and feeling worse off than before. 

Yeah, I rather not eat. I can handle the stomach pain. It's not uncommon, I just prefer not to deal with it. But that means I need to be social. Which I was today.

Oh no, I am not thinking about that again. I'll work myself into a fit and hide for the rest of the night like a pathetic loser and hate myself more. 

 

Speaking of,

 _'From Mom: [3:57 P.M.]  Hey sweetie! Just_ chcking _in! I left 20 on the counter try to et today! Love you! :)'_

 

Now I feel bad. 

 

'To Mom: [3:59 P.M.]  Love you too. Ordering food now. Night.'

 

I guess I have to do this now. I grab my laptop and pull up the site for the pizza delivery place, the only one I have ever been able to answer the door and pay for. A really nice guy that always wears headphones and a red hoodie is my usual delivery guy. He is patient and isn't as intimidating as the short spunky guy. He is more.. Chill nerd. Geek?

 

But of course the site crashes again. Meaning I have to call them...

I thumb through my contacts and click the last one's call button. 

 

It rang a couple times and finally picked up, which is pretty usual. The place is sort of a local shop and they tend to get busy enough their lines clog. 

 

**"Hello?"**

 

 

"Umm... I would like to uh- I want to, can I order a uh.. I umm, small three cheese pizza, for delivery?" I stand and start pacing in my living room. 

 

**"What the fuck? Evan?"**

 

"Uh- what? I umm, I mean cheese is uh, it's um fine. Just um, sorry. Never mind. I just-"

**"-Why the fuck are you calling me like a pizza company?"**

"What, I-" I pull my phone away from my face and accidently relock it right as the screen lights, I didn't read the contact, but it took a couple seconds for it to relight. During that time he could have spoke. What if he said something but who is it----

**'Call in process 0:38 - Conman Murphy'**

No.

No...

I put the phone back to my hear to hear his words tapper off, **"..nsen, Oi, Hansen!"**

"Oh my- I'm sorry. I am so sorry, I uh didn't mean to, I just forgot you put your phone in and I clicked the last contact which is usually my pizza place but I called you unstead and I am so sorry. I didnt' know, I'm-" I'm going to freak. My chest is tight, my skin is itchy. I hate this. I don't like this. No. I have to hang up.

 

**"Breathe! In 2, 3, 4, 5; out 6, 7, 8, 9; In 1, 2 ,3- Good. Keep copying me, Hansen."**

 


	2. Chapter 2

I have spent two hours doing homework and studying. Then another hour unorganizing and reorganizing his desk just to procrastinate texting. Or rather, procrastinate staring at his phone for literal hours trying to decide to text him or not.

It was out of pity. He probably forgot he gave it to you... or maybe the call from yesterday weirded him out enough to never talk to me again.

Oh, this is interesting. This little charm I've had for years. It's some blocky anime character with purple hair from the early 2000s. He found it somewhere and he can't remember the anime but he kept it. And this weird paper tree is cool. Isn't it? 

Of course I'm not fiddling with little trinkets scattered in my space just to avoid thinking about him. 

No, because that would be pathetic. 

Who am I kidding, I am pathetic. But still! That's not at all what I'm doing. I'm is just... mentally cataloging is all. 

 

I shoot a look at the phone. I open it to a blank lock screen. No texts. No, why would there be? Connor probably thinks your a freak for panicking yesterday, then hanging up immediately. Mom already said she'd be doing a double during the few minutes they talked before she prompty went to bed.

 

The phone starts vibrating, surprising the awkward blond into dropping the phone. 

Oh no, it's Connor. He's calling to tell you you're a freak. He's calling to tell him to lose his number and color his cast over to hide Connor ever signed it.

Oh crap! My phone. My screen. Is that a problem? No one contacts me anyway. I don't have friends. I have Mom. I have Jared, but he is just a family friend from the Temple. 

Oh no, the ringer is gonna stop! Connor will think I am ignoring him. Or it's Jared! He might be calling for help! He could be in danger and can only call Evan. 

He picks it up and answers without looking at the screen, "H-Hel-lo."

Oh no. I can't talk. No. No. I can't handle calls. Oh no.

"Hey Hunny! I am just calling to check in on you. I know you don't do calls very well so I am so proud that you answered! I would have texted, but I have little time." 

Heidi Hansen. It's Mom. Everything is fine then. 

"H-aye, Mom. Uhh, umm. I almost... didn't. I mean- But I did! Answer the phone.. Yeah."

"It's alright, sweetie. Anyway! I called to say I won't make it in tonight. I left a twenty for food on the kitchen counter. I know it isn't easy but there is also eggs and ramen. I bought you canned chicken breast and those sauces you like." 

I nod dumbly. "Oh, yeah! Good. Thanks."

"How was school today? Have you made any friends?" Her voice tried to hide the hope but I knew anyway. 

Friends..

 _We can both pretend to have friends_. 

"Uh, actually... Um.. Erm, kinda. Yesterday.. Uh, a guy signed my cast. Um.. Connor. Connor signed my cast." 

"Connor! Oh, that's great honey! See, I knew you could do it! Oh-" she cuts off to voices on the other side of the line. "Yeah, Yeah- shit. Okay, okay! One sec!" 

"Hey, sweetie, I'm being called in. I gotta go! I love you!"

"Yeah, you too."

The line cut dead. Proud of me, huh?

 

_To: MurphysLaw_

_'Hi'_

_'This is Evan by the way.'_

_'Evan Hansen. with the cast'_

 

I texted quickly before I could psych myself out, admiring the nickname I changed his contact to. I think it is more suiting than something Jared might call him. 

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'Yeh got it'**

 

Oh no, I've already weirded him out. 

 

_To: MurphysLaw_

_'Yeah. Hi.'_

 

What else do I say? How do I keep it going? 

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'Sup'**

__

_To: MurphysLaw_

_'Nothing. Home alonw.'_

_'alonw'_

_'alone. sorry.'_

 

Now he's going to think I'm an even bigger loser and illiterate at that!

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'Wow ur jst as bad irl in text. Wanna hang?'**

 

Hang? Hang out? Together?

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'Parnts wnt fcuk off. Gotta get out of huse'**

 

_To: MurphysLaw_

_'Sure? Where?'_

Damn! I said yes! But I didn't want him to hate me already. I am talking to someone. I could watch him. I could figure out how he is so confident. I could try and my Mom could actually be proud of me. Jared might be okay with being seen with me. 

Connor might really be my friend one day. Zoe might notice me. 

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'I mean ur plce if we cn'**

 

My apartment? My small place? It's no secret the Murphys have money. What if he thinks I'm too poor to talk to? What if he thinks it's dirty and he leaves immediately?

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'or prk works'**

 

The park? I stare at my cast for long minute. My park? I feel sick rise in my throat. He'll know if we go. I'll panic. I know it. I will cry and he'll know. He'll know. He's going to know.

 

_To: MurphysLaw_

_'No, it's chill. My place is good.'_

 

Chill? Do people even say that? Outside of memes...?

 

**From: MurphysLaw**

**'cool. adrsss?'**

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor comes to hang out. 
> 
> (Sorry chapters are so short, I just went through and corrected a few mistakes, too.)

He's on his way. I can't believe I invited him. Confident Connor Murphy is coming here and I have to open the door. I have to open the door and let him inside. What would we even do? I don't have a game station, which Jared often complained about. I have Netflix. But what if he thinks my show choices are stupid? Or maybe he doesn't like series. He might just like movies. And I don't know many movies. I just know a lot of animes and geeky fandom shows. And John Mulany. What if he thinks I have bad tastes and just leaves. Then I would blow my one chance of a real friend. Not a family friend, but someone that spends time with me because they like me. 

Who am I kidding? No one would like me. My own dad didn't like me. He will see how stupid I am and will leave me, too. Even my Mom takes as many hours as possible to get away from me. 

No, that's not fair. Remember what the doctor said, she loves you. You know this. Mom loves me. She is working very hard for me. She is everything she needs to be. 

And I am a waste of sp-

Buzzing cuts my thoughts short. 

Connor is here. 

 

Oh Chuck, he is here. How long have I been stuck in my own head. Oh no... 

I pace a little and eye my door warily, then wretch forward to open it after I realized how long he has been waiting. It was almost the ideal time for a second series of knocks. That would be rude, right? Or did it seem I forgot and show little interest? Or maybe it was too quick and now he sees I have no life. 

But it doesn't matter. He's in front of me. Staring with a raised eyebrow. 

"You good?" He comments with a touch of amusement.

"Please, come in..." I meekly offer. 

"Hmm, anyone else here?" He looks around at the new scene. 

"Umm, no.. uh, Mom is at work. My mom, I mean. Not your Mom. Or our Mom. I mean I don't have any siblings. Well, I do, but they are my Dad's kids. We don't talk." I rambled as I stand by the now closed door. 

Why did I do this? This is worse than usual. I don't typically have such a hard time. But it's Connor... He looks so confident with his hair pulled into a messy bun, a few hairs falling and loose. A few strand framing his face. A lazy grin and heavy eyes that looks inviting and soft even with his strong nose and jaw. His face is lined with expressions you could almost imagine. At school he is nothing but tense anger. 

Then I realize he is high. 

"A-are you... umm, are you high?"

He grins like a prideful child. Oh no, my anxiety. My heart is racing. Am I going to panic? 

"Yeah, you wanna toke?" He pulls out a little steel blue cylinder of metal. I can only imagine what is in it.

"Er, no thank you. Umm... what would you like to uh.. what to do." I shuffle my fingers. 

"Don't care man. You sure you don't wanna try? It'll help you chill." 

"No thank you. But.. umm. I have Netflix?" I offer.

"'T's kay. No pressure. Sure, though. Netflix sounds good." He shrugs and puts away the metal thing. I lead him to my room where my recent birthday gift from my Dad is. He wrote a short letter saying how time is going fast and he will call soon (he never does) and that he hopes I enjoy the new TV. 

And I feel guilty that I do enjoy it. I makes me feel guilty that Mom feels inadequate. Which she isn't! She's just never here. Not that I blame her or anything! She is working hard for me. Yeah.

"This is me... I mean my room. Uh, sit where ever you like." Connor strides to my computer chair and sways side to side in it. With hard wood floor, I worry about the wheels scuffing, but I glued fabric to the wheels to soften them.

"Neato, I like your plants." He references to my white table in front of my window covered with many plants alike. While I am partial to trees, I like cactus, succulents, flowers, and herbs. Which I have many of. All labeled with their species and names. Like Earl, my coriander. Or Geoffrey and Jude, my cacti. 

"Oh, thank you. Um, these are my herbs, Rosemary, Coriander, Mint, Thyme... um, actually, what do you like to watch?" I stop my spiel before I could start. Jared always says I turn people away with my 'weird flora kinks'. It's not a kink, though! I just love gardening. 

"Whatcha got?" He slides in my chair, facing it to my smart TV. His long thin legs lay far in front of him. They look nice with how long and thin they are. But there are subtle curves or muscle. He must do some form of sport. His jeans are black and skinny and his boots look like black steel toed boots. His hoodie is old and baggy, hiding his lithe form. 

No wonder he is so confident. He is pretty. Why do people hate him? Right, his temper. But he is nice now. But that is probably because he is too high to care. People think he is weird for being a 'stoner', but they all get drunk and high on the weekends and listen to music about drugs, drinking, sex, and violence. 

He is pretty. 

"Should I be surprised by how many documentaries you've watched or how many documentaries exist?" He smirks. 

I was going to comment, but he interrupted quickly with, "Ooh- John Mulany!" 

Maybe this could work. 


End file.
